Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize
