By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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