I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
