I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
