the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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