So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
