____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
