You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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