Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
