it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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