There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
