awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
