Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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