Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
