not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
