I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
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