I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
