Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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