shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
