I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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