when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
