ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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