im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
where are my eyebrows?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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