Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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