I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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