These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
