nut hugger
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
