Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
