when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
