So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You are a genius and a whore.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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