you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
