that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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