he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
