she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
