vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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