i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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