Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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