Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
