Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
