so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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