bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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