Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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