I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
