i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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