Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
