Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
