turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
