Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He shit in the fireplace
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
