Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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