I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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