i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
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